Billy's Momma

by Kenny St. Pierre

Tweet   Submitted June 12, 2009  

I bet it wouldn't have taken Billy long to grow up after he's Pa's death, but I doesn't bet cause I has no money. He's Momma has a way of keepin Billy too young fur he's own good, an it make me feel bad fur him. Fur whatever reason it seem as though Momma want him to stay like a boy. Billy never quite know'd what maturity wuz like, so hangin' out wit him wuz much like babysittin witout the diapers.

Billy fear he's Momma more than some people do Middle Eastern terrorist. He's Momma be dominatin him so ruthless frum the days of he's birth, that Billy's mind wuz maintainin only very slow graduation toward maturities, an cause of he's simpleness Billy has been unables to connect wit anyone on adult levels, especial women. Billy's Momma blames Billy fur his child likeness, an cause he can't be blamin he's Momma, Billy blame he's self. Otherwise, if he does blame her she be sure to kick he's skinny ass.

Billy's Momma is as plump an soft as kiwi, but her heart be of stone. Her skin is pale white an she has the shortest, fattest, pudgiest, toes an fingers you will ever witness. The snarly gray hair which falls to her face is about as course as an acoustic guitar's G-string, an her nose looks as though frogs once pee'd there. Sometimes wen I visit Billy I will have sum fun wit Ms. Masterson by slippin in an occasional, “Warts up Ms. Masterson? Warts for dinner?” An while I still to these days carry on amusin myself now an then, she still has yet to catch on to my good times at her expense.

Since Momma buys all Billy's clothes, he struggles to have any that fit him properly. The legs of he's pants are usual far above he's shins, an he's feet are so narrow an long, he has to shop at a costume store fur the only shoes that fit - clown shoes. Billy does never really weigh all that much fur he's height - maybe a meer one hundred an seven pounds on he's best day, an cause of he's six foot seven inch frame, he looks much like a stick figure. Billy's head does introduce itself to more basement pipes an overhead doors then he even cares to remember, if he can remember. He's head crashes have been almost as strong of a contributer to the retardation of he's mental development as he's Momma's domineerin system. Besides he's lumpy head, let me give you an idea as to the challenges Billy's simple weight does provide him.

One day Billy goes out boatin wit sum frends on a very windy day. Wen the sailboat wuz out sailin somewhere very far out on the Atlantic, Billy blew off the deck of the boat, twistin to an fro over the ocean waves. He land back on the beach paratrooper like uninhibited, where a lady grab him thinkin he wuz a blanket an lay on him. Frum then on the rest of the crew attach the nickname “Kite” to Billy. Wind wuz not much of a frend to Billy.

Within the very first year of he's Pa's death, Billy have little success wit chores, but after many unsuccessful attempts at startin the mower, Billy figure he take a chance an try puttin sum gas in it, an low an behold, to he's surprise, it start up he's frighten ears. After a few seconds “Woh, awesome” wuz he's reaction to the mower's roar, an frum that day forward Billy learn a great deal about doin sumthin like he's Pa. He learn about gas an he doesn't have to pull he's pa's finger no more to get it neither.

Besides mowin the lawn Billy taked a chance to learn a bit about washin Momma's car witout her knowin. It seem after only a few times at the car wash, Billy learn quickly to wear a raincoat wenever he drived Momma's convertible through the drive thru wit the top down. That's somethin I doesn't think even he's father knew. It seem Billy be growin up wen Momma not around, but wen Momma find out she be mad as hell.

Billy always feel'd he have plenty of potential, but he's obstacle to maturity wuz in tryin to get Momma to believe he make the transition frum boy to man. He's Momma continue to treat him as though he were still only thirty one, so he need to let her know he could step up to the plate wenever she need him to do a man's job. Fur instance, Billy does try to save a man's life to impress Momma one afternoon hopin she have sum trust in he's abilities an not intervene.

Here's how Billy does tell the story:

"I noticed off in a distance a man was in our lake and it appeared to me he was not swimming but most likely drowning. I had to be careful not to jump to conclusions and become too anxious as I always have the urge to act out without thinking things through first, so I wisely waited. I walked to the fringe of the lake and called to ask the man if he was drowning, but he didn't reply. I called out again, "Sir are you, or are you not drowning?" Still I got no answer. I thought to myself, "Is this guy deaf or something, or is he just playing rude?" All I wanted to know was if he was drowning and he didn't even have the courtesy to answer. Anyway, I thought about phoning him, but I wasn't sure if I'd have time to run back to the house and use the phone, so I told him I'd wait only another minute or two for his answer, but as it turned out things got very tense soon after."

"When I saw the man's head go down below the lakes surface I decided it was time to act. I called to the man one last time, but I'm pretty sure he couldn't hear me because I've been told it's not easy to hear voices underwater. To see him struggle the way he was, was too hard to watch, so I stroked my arms at the speed of light and went like hell. After about two or three minutes I stopped waving my arms and felt I had warmed up just enough, so I jumped right in.

“Once I was in the cool water I knew nothing was going to stop me from saving that man. I thought at that moment it would also be a great time to work on my backstroke so I did for a few yards. When I got about half way across I got a bit worried because as I was getting nearer there was this huge ferocious yellow duck I had seen on my pond before. It made me very nervous to see it again. I knew I needed to get passed the winged creature to save the man , so I somehow out-foxed the duck by swimming under it without much of a problem. When I finally arrived to the destination I sought, I reached out for the gray faced man, and just as I was about to save him from the depths of despair, Momma of course, had to ruin everything by pulling the plug out of the tub."

"I'm telling you Kenny. It is things like that which put a strain on my relationship with Momma. It's like Momma doesn't want me to do grown up or something."

Last month (June) I witness Momma an Billy havin a little spat, but cause of her dominance he get over it in no time. What happen wuz, an argument braked out between them about who wuz gonna iron the clothes, an as much as Billy loves ironin he tell her he does wanna pass on the honor. Besides, Billy say's he jest iron a couple of shirts in February, so what more wuz she be expectin of him?

Well Momma get so angry at Billy she throw'd the iron at he's head an it hit Billy real good. Wildly he run after her like years of frustration be unloaded, an wen they wuz near the top of the stairs, he push her an down the stairs she roll. Momma look so funny wit her girdle an stockings down at her ankles ( She always did keep up with the fads, especially the old fashioned ones ), wit her head wuz bouncin off each stair as she tumble downward.

While Billy wuz laughin so forceful, he notice Momma does pick herself up off the floor an begin roarin like a lion. Her mouth drool like a rabid dog an she leap upon the stairs an run upward like she were on a mission. I remember Billy sayin, "No Momma! I didn't mean it!" an the next thing I know she has Billy by the ankles an swingin him around like they sometimes do on the Three Stooges. He ask her not to do that, but he's Momma is a little hard of hearin an sign language be out of the question.

"Please Momma!," Billy wuz beggin. "I'm gettin' dizzy!"

An I think she wuz too cause I is pretty sure I see'd sum of her dinner exitin her mouth. Anyway, she final let go of him an WHAP! Billy does go flyin against a wall like a blind bird in flight. Damn if that doesn't make him furious. Billy jump back up on he's soles, shake he's self off, an pries the still hot iron frum he's dense head. He flings it wit might in Momma's direction, but she duck an it miss her easily. Billy's Momma can be agile like that sumtimes.

"Ha! Ha! pussy," she say's. "No wonder why you don't have a girlfriend!"

"You just wait and see," Billy told her. "I'm on a Dating site now and I'll win me a girl. You just wait and see!"

"Well it'll be a darn time a-comin,' Momma bellowed.

"I promise Momma, if I do find me a good woman, I will let you live with us just as long as you promise not to call me a "pussy" anymore okay? You know I don't like that!”

Momma replied, "You will never find a good girl. You're not invincible you know!"...

"I know that now Momma. Yes- there was a time when I thought I was invincible, but I learned later that all my friends could see me."

Momma call Billy a "fool," but he know'd she wuzn't really meanin it cause she know'd it take'd many years of wisdom fur him to get like that.

Momma say, "How do you expect to get a nice woman when you won't even take out the trash?"

"Well Momma, doesn't it make more sense to bring the trash cans in? You know I have a very logical brain!"

"Well why is it you don't ever fetch the mail?"

"You know I would Momma, but some wise guy keeps cluttering it up and putting letters in it...Momma, you know how I like to help around the house. Whenever you set the table, don't I set the chairs?"

"Yes, I guess so son. You know how bad I want you to have a sucker...Ah...I mean girl to help me wit the chores and housework Billy, and I just want you to be a good ol boy at all times for Momma."

It were obvious to me Momma wuz tryin to keep poor Billy wit a small brain.

"I understand Momma. I want a woman so bad too.. I even brushed my teeth twice last week."

"Good Billy, now I know you are serious about finding a stupid...Ah...I mean nice girl. Why don't we go back inside and cuddle on the couch to a good movie like we always do."

"OK Momma"

Wen the three of us go back inside I thought Billy an he's Momma wuz goin to get into another quarrel cause Billy wants to watch Jimmy Neutron an Momma wants to watch PBS. In the end Momma get her way an Billy does mature a little more frum PBS viewin witout Momma noticin. I think Momma realize how close Billy come to growin up that day, so she never does ask him to iron clothes again wen he doesn't want to.

I guess I learn frum observin Billy an Momma that sometimes men furget to be men cause they is afraid to upset they Momma's.

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