THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW – Basic Training
by Wayne Carlan
In 1989 I was in basic training at Fort
Lenardwood, Missouri. I had only been there about a week and we were still stuck at the
reception station. That’s where you stay before reporting to your training unit
permanently. That’s also where you get your hair cut off, get your new military
clothes, get 123 shots and where they slowly break you into what the military is all
about.
We were staying in the old World War II barracks. It’s an open area with no separate
rooms and about 50 guys sleeping on bunk beds. Every day after lunch I leave the chow hall
and go back to the barracks to use the bathroom before we start back into our training.
Now the bathroom is also open. Wide open. No stalls. No dividers. No privacy. Just 20
toilets lined up against a wall. It’s like sharing a prison cell with 50 inmates. I
walk in the barracks and I’m in luck. Nobody home and I get the pick of any toilet I
want, by myself. That’s like hitting the lottery.
I sit down thinking about how excited I am to get my training started. I was so gung-ho.
As I sit there this huge guy walks in. He’s about 6’4 and weighs about 275
pounds. He pulls down his pants and sits down. That’s right. There are 19 other
available toilets and he sits right beside me. I just hit the lottery twice in one dang
day. As Charlie Brown would say, “Good Grief.”
Now if that ain’t bad enough, this dude turns to me, holds out his hand and says
“Hi, I’m Leroy, and I’m from Detroit.” Are you kidding me? Do we
really have to do this right here, right now? So I say “Hi. I’m Wayne, and
I’m from Missis….New York City” and I give him my tough face.
As we shake hands, with our pants around our ankles, sitting side by side, when there are
18 other available toilets, Sergeant Hawkins walks in. Now normally when he walks into the
room we stand at attention. Is there a special rule I can invoke here? What do I do? I
pull out my training manual from my back pocket and start flipping through the pages real
fast. There are absolutely no references on what to do when your superior walks into the
bathroom while you are sitting on the can. I can see it now “Wayne Carlan you are
hereby court marshaled for refusing to get off the toilet in the presence of a superior in
the United States Army.”
That’s gonna look great on a resume. Leroy is thinking the same thing because he acts
like he is going to stand up. If he does then I have to, also. Sergeant Hawkins says to
Leroy “At ease soldier.’ Whew, man did I just dodge a bullet.
I thought so anyway until Sergeant Hawkins pulled down his pants and sat down on the other
side of me. What the heck have I gotten myself into? HooRah!
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